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Humans rely on each other for our survival. This has been true since the first humans appeared, moving in nomadic communities. Humans continued to live in communities when we shifted into agrarian ways of being, settling on the land, forming farms and domesticating livestock. As recent as feudalism (ending ~1500s), in northern Europe, we continued to have commons, grounds that were shared by everyone in the area for growing food, raising livestock, foraging, and hunting. We lived together, parented together, cared for the sick together. We laughed together, gathered together, shared meals. We celebrated together, performed ritual together, and grieved together.
We relied on each other, maintaing both our roots and branches, spreading out and digging down. Mutual aid was simply the way we existed, not some radical idea.
As capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy gained more and more control, the commons disappeared. The invention of the “nuclear family” crept into being. White supremacy, along with capitalism, invented the idea of race to break up solidarity in the working class and poor. Year by year, decade by decade, century by century, we became more and more isolated, more and more “self reliant” and “independent,” more and more disconnected from each other, the earth, and ourselves.
We are at a time in history where the idea of knowing our neighbors, mutual aid, and actually being in community is considered “abnormal,” revolutionary, and almost subversive. Yet this way of being is the only reason humans as a species survived until now - we relied on each other and we supported each other, regardless of whether we were blood relatives or even liked each other - our collective and individual survival were dependent upon it.
While it is true we are the most disconnected society in human history, we are still interconnected and interdependent. Even “self-care” isn’t something we do completely alone - we are reliant on others to provide the services or products that we then utilize to care for ourselves. Our food doesn’t magically appear, there is web of humans involved to bring it to our tables - from farmers, to delivery drivers, to grocery clerks, to electricians (who maintain the electricity that goes to our stoves for us to cook). When we stop to consider who and what all is actually involved in even making a simple dinner, we see how this idea of being “independent” or “self-made” is a lie that we’ve been taught, that we’ve internalized, and that we continue to propagate.
Present day society along with both our collective and individual traumas make it challenging to find our ways to connection with each other, nature, and ourselves. For many of us, being around others for extended periods of time can be over-stimulating and sometimes highly activating. So, we stay in our comfort zone of isolation and yet feel lonely, depressed, and anxious. We are in a paradox where the isolation is both encouraged by the meta-systems of harm and our own nervous system; while at the same time both our evolutionary inheritance and other parts of our nervous system crave connection, interaction, and co-regulation.
I want to take a moment and distinguish between isolation and solitude. We can need periods of solitude to rest, reset, even be creative and that is different from isolating. Having space for solitude is an intentional act that allows us to actually be more connected to both ourself in the moment and with others at a later time. Taking time for solitude can be nurturing and nourishing, and likely is something our ancestors didn’t experience much of and is something that is necessary for us both individually and collectively in modern times. Isolation however tends to be a more sub/unconscious act and is not about restoring or resting but is about keeping ourselves “safe” from others, nature, and even our inner-self. Isolation isn’t nourishing or nuturing and in fact only feeds our depression, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and disconnection. Both isolation and solitude can look the same on the outside, but internally they are distinctly different experiences.
When we are able to take a moment and see all the ways we are interconnected with eachother, the threads that tie us together into a web of support of inter-reliance, we start to break down the myth of independence, being self-made, and solely self-reliant. We can begin to see the ways perhaps our roots and branches have been stunted, but they still exist. We can begin to see our ways to the possibilities of deepening existing connections, strengthening existing bonds, and growing and expanding beyond our current circles and webs.
Part of this work invites us to do our inner work of growing our windows of tolerance for change and discomfort through our own self-awareness, nervous system regulation, and trauma processing and healing. This is not a process we do alone, but also in relationship with many others - from therapists, coaches, and other professionals, to chosen family and friends, to acquaintances, to pets and domesticated animals, and to wild nature. Even when we practice breath and grounding work, we are doing it in connection with the air around us and earth beneath us. Remembering this as we do our “individual work” helps us see more and more our interconnections with each other and our world.
When we begin not only seeing more and more of the interconnections we are part of, but actually viscerally feeling it, then our ways of being in the world, with each other, and with ourselves, naturally begin to shift. The safer we feel within our own body, the more secure we are within ourselves, allows us to expand our connections with others. When we aren’t constantly living in a state of hyper-vigilance, self-protection, and survival, we can actually connect with others in more intimate, fulfilling, and nourishing ways. The reverse is also true, the more we are able to build emotionally intimate relationship with others, the more we are able to see our interdependence, and the more we are able to regulate our nervous systems and grow our windows of tolerance to change and difference.
This is how change happens. This is how we change the world we live in. It’s not magic, but it is magical.
Part of this work, I believe, also involves reconnecting to ritual and our personal ancestors. By this I don’t necessarily mean the ancestors of our blood, but those who came before us who have influenced who we are today. I also don’t mean stealing or appropriating rituals from cultures that were not ours or that we have no ancestral connection to, but rather if we can’t find or don’t the rituals of our own ancient people, instead, we can literally ask our ancestors for guidance and create our own rituals, whatever they may look like. All of this requires a slowing down, a getting quiet, a looking within, an acknowledement of our shadows and trauma, and an unraveling of what we have internalized and been fed around white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism and a reconnection to Self, nature, and community.
The more we are able to connect, with nature, animals, other people, our Core Self, the more expansive we actually become. I have found (and still find) great healing “in the trees” (what I call my hikes in the Cascade mountain range), “alone.” And what I have come to recognize that while I may not be with another human or even a dog on these hikes, I am far from alone. The trees, ferns, moss, and fungi, along with the birds, rodents, bugs, small snakes, (not to mention the water, rocks, and all that lives within both of those) are as important as parts of my community network as are my cats, friends, and chosen family (and mail person, grocery clerk, city electrician, etc). Being in the trees alone afforded me the opportunity to first slowly reset my nervous system (over and over again) and then to begin to see and then be a part of the interconnected web of species whose home I was walking through and on. This then helped me see more and more the interconnections of humans in my life, which has in turn opened me to deeper and expanded connections. And so the snowball rolls.
There is no one “right” way to get back to ourselves, to our humanity. There are so many parts, pieces, and opportunities and our own unique circumstances and needs will be a part of determining the paths we meander down. And, at the core of it all is finding our ways back to our Self, back to nature, and back to each other.
Some questions to explore…